my phone needs a breathalizer
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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