I hope mine doesn't look like that
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
