Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
