sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Let's get the cat blown out
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
