I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
