My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
