Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
