I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize