There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
