My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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