I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
