glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
