My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
