he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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