I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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