ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
