I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize