I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
