my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
