I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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