i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
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