Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
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