ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
