I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
