He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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