yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
