Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize