I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
