dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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