when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
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