forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
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