I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
