Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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