Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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