My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
