ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
