she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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