a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
