apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Randomize
