you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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