Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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