I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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