She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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