My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize
