he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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