so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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