You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
