she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Randomize
