I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
