You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
