Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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