none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Moan for me like Helen Keller
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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