god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
