i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
He passed out mid-signature
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
