I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
