Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
